We all need to feel safe and comfortable in our relationships. With our spouses, parents, children, family and friends, and yes… even with God!
The more important and intimate the relationship, the greater our need for emotional safety. With God too! Especially with God!
John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Cindy Hazan, Phillip Shaver and others developed an approach to human development and psychotherapy called attachment theory. This perspective is an invaluable approach to understanding styles of attachment in early childhood and its impact on relationship throughout our entire lives.
If we are lucky enough to grow up in a family and know that others are reliable and dependable, we can develop a “secure” attachment style. Perhaps one third of us are so lucky?!
Alternatively, if we experience others as either reliable or dependable alone, or neither, we can develop an “insecure” relationship style.
When we experience an other as reliable yet not dependable, we may develop an “anxious” style of attachment. Folks with this attachment style may experience emotional availability or support from important early caregivers, but this support might be inconsistent and unpredictable. About a third of us learn this type of relationship style.
The couples therapist Stan Tatkin refers to a person with this learned attachment style as a “wave”… deep, emotional, yet volatile under stress. The most pressing emotional need for this person is connection.
When we experience an other as unreliable yet dependable, we may develop an “avoidant” style of attachment. Folks with this attachment style may experience consistent and predictable responses from important early caregivers, but this response may not necessarily be emotional availability or support. About a third of us learn this type of relationship style.
Tatkin refers to a person with this learned attachment style as an “island ”… sturdy, grounded, yet guarded under stress. The most pressing emotional need for this person is space and time.
Like all other important, intimate relationships, if you are seeking a relationship with God (or whom or whatever you consider Sacred or Divine), it may take some effort and hard work.
If we read the Bible carefully, we can see that the patriarchs, matriarchs, and prophets have experienced God in all of these same ways. And if we are even that much more careful readers, we can see that God experiences us in these exact same ways also!
Like in any important, intimate relationship, our relationship with God requires a careful balance of connection and space. Just remember that each person’s particular preferred balance between connection and space might be a bit different.
If your attachment with God is a bit “insecure” these says, please do not worry too much. We can always build more and more secure relationships. Take heed… Relationships heal relationships!
Are you willing to build a more secure relationship with God? Give it a try?!
Next Steps
We are pleased to offer a Yom Kippur Zen Mindfulness Jewish Meditation Retreat in Los Angeles on September 25, 2023. You may learn more about this retreat… and register here!
Save the date for our daylong Rosh Hashanah Zen Mindfulness Meditation Retreat. It will be held on Sunday, September 17, 2023 in the Bay Area, CA. Stay tuned for registration details!
As always, if you are interested in learning more about Jewish Mindfulness Meditation or how to create a more meaningful spiritual path for you and your loved ones, please make sure to sign up and click the “Stay Connected Now!” button below!
Mindful Judaism is pleased to offer daylong Jewish meditation and mindfulness retreats, shabbatons (weekend workshops), and other live and in person events throughout California and beyond.
If you are interested in bringing Mindful Judaism to your community, synagogue, or meditation group, please contact us at adam@mindfuljudaism.com for more information and to make arrangements.
Adam Fogel
www.mindfuljudaism.com