There is no way around it. No one can outfox God. No matter how smart we think we are or how hard we try, there is no outsmarting the Divine. Yet… we try! And try we do! Perhaps even must?!
Welcome to the Human Race
Okay. “What is he talking about?”, you may ask. That is a very fair question!
Have you ever felt like you are going in circles? Doing the same thing over and over again? Chasing after something and not even knowing what? Going one day after the next, month after month, year after year, lifetime after lifetime… simply feeling like it is the same thing without any end? Racing after something—or someone—you’re not sure you need? Or even want?
Ever feel like screaming out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken to me?” To God, the world, or even anyone who would listen!?
Of course! We are all like that! Congratulations! You are simply human! Welcome to the human race!
The “Tail” End of Amends
In the Jewish calendar, we just completed the 40 day period of reflection culminating in the ten day period of repentance and return (the Aseret Yemei Teshuvah) between the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement).
There is no outfoxing God! Year after year, we return each fall to these same 40 days. But do we return the same person?
Over the course of the last 40 plus days, we’ve paused our lives, opened our hearts, and offered amends and forgiveness to ourselves and others for the transgressions committed this year.
But have we?
The Yeshiva and the Zendo
My personal journey has brought me from yeshiva day school, to the Zendo (Zen meditation hall), to graduate study in clinical and depth psychology, Rabbinical seminary, and to what yet is still beyond.
An absolute treasure in my studies has been the study of Zen koan—feebly defined as Zen teaching stories As we will see, some or many of these koan may seem un-sensical or outlandish, yet I have felt compelled to continue my study of these simply yet wonderous “stories” of my ancestors.
As a practicing psychologist and recently ordained Rabbi, I cannot help but learn these koan, the daily liturgy and weekly parashah (Jewish lectionary reading), or even a patient’s heart and mind from anything other than my own experience and whatever or whomever that makes me “me”.
So, why not be you?!
What Kind of “Man” Am “I”?
The recent Jewish High Holiday period brought a Zen koan to mind and heart. It is the 2nd Case of the Gateless Gate koan collection (The Mumonkan):
Whenever Master Hyakujo delivered a sermon, an old man was always there listening with the monks. When they left, he left too. One day, however, he remained behind.
The master asked him, “What man are you, standing in front of me?” The old man replied, “Indeed, I am not a man. In the past, in the time of Kashyapa Buddha, I lived on this mountain (as a Zen priest). On one occasion a monk asked me, ‘Does a perfectly enlightened person fall under the law of cause and effect or not?’ I answered, ‘He does not.’ Because of this answer, I fell into the state of a fox for 500 lives. Now, I beg you, Master, please say a turning word on my behalf and release me from the body of a fox.”
Then he asked, “Does a perfectly enlightened person fall under the law of cause and effect or not?” The master answered, “The law of cause and effect cannot be obscured.” Upon hearing this, the old man immediately became deeply enlightened.
Making his bows, he said, “I have now been released from the body of the fox and will be behind the mountain. I dare to make a request of the Master. Please perform my funeral as you would for a deceased priest.”
The master had the Ino strike the anvil with a gavel and announce to the monks that after the meal there would be a funeral service for a deceased priest. The monks wondered, saying, “All are healthy. No one is sick in the infirmary. What’s this all about?” After the meal, the master led the monks to the foot of a rock behind the mountain and with his staff poked out the dead body of a fox. He then performed the ceremony of cremation.
That evening the master ascended the rostrum in the hall and told the monks the whole story. Obaku thereupon asked, “The man of old missed the turning word and fell to the state of a fox for 500 lives. Suppose every time he answered he made no mistakes, what would happen then?” The master said, “Just come nearer and I’ll tell you.” Obaku then went up to the master and slapped him. The master clapped his hands and, laughing aloud, said, “I thought the barbarian’s beard was red, but here is a barbarian with a red beard! (translation by Koun Yamada Roshi)
“Cheap Grace”
As unusual as this might sound (for a Rabbi and Zen student, after all), I have been giving much thought and reflection to an idea coined by the 20th century Lutheran theologian (and early critic of the Nazi regime), Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
In The Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer defines “cheap grace” as “the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance… absolution without personal confession.”
What Bonhoeffer teaches is that we cannot outsmart ourselves, we cannot outsmart others, and we surely cannot outsmart God. While grace is bestowed, trust is earned, and intimacy carefully nourished and maintained.
The two most difficult words in the English language honestly are “I’m sorry!” If, when, and how we say these words matter. Very much!
The three most difficult words in the English language honestly are “I love you!” If, when, and how we say these words also matter. Very much!
“I’m sorry” without “I love you” misses the mark; “I love you” without “I’m sorry” also misses the mark. So, when standing in front of your loved one or enemy alike, what do you say?
500 Lifetimes!
More than two children forced by their teacher to say the words “I’m sorry” after a schoolyard fight, genuine teshuvah is an ongoing practice of repentance and returning to who we very are, living a real and intimate life fully aware that our behaviors and vulnerabilities impact others as theirs impact us.
The Bible teaches us that we are all made in the Divine image—betzelem Elohim—man and woman alike. Yet, is this enough?
Does this birthright free us from the consequences of our actions? Does it emancipate you from the shackles of being “right” or something—anything—other than yourself?
Yet beware! It can last us even greater than 500 lifetimes!
The “Expert”
For my entire adult life, I have been around the field of psychology and therapy on both sides of the “couch” and have been a student of Zen and sit zazen (meditation) for just as long. Yet, I am always making mistakes. One right after the next. Some even unintentionally! Even the same ones mere seconds later! Very often!
It can be so easy to fall into the illusion that being a therapist or a Zen student, having one or more or even several degrees, or a title like Doctor or Rabbi can make me or anyone else immune from the day to day consequences of our humanity and fallibility, but it doesn’t. It surely cannot. And mustn’t!
It can seem like the 13th century founder of Zen Buddhism Eihei Dogen Zenji writes that life is often making “one continuous mistake.” I am surely a living example of this! Perhaps others, as well?!
Yet, what do we do? And how do we live with this?
There is No One to Be But You, Yet Choose Wisely!
There is absolutely no one to be but You! There is absolutely no one to be but Me. Are you not created in the Divine image? Am I not made in the Divine image? What a cursed blessing?!
There is no need to outfox yourself. One lifetime after the next, one year after another, month to month, moment upon moment, we make a choice! And “mistakes”! We are imperfect after all!
And… there are no mistakes! Especially you!
When it feels like the whole world is falling apart… Be there!
When all feels like hell and you scream out to God… Be there!
When life is lilies and puppy dogs… Be there!
When it is time for you to offer amends… Be there!
When it is time for you to hear amends… Be there!
We cannot outsmart others. We cannot outsmart ourselves. And we surely cannot outsmart the Divine. There is no one to be but you!
We have absolutely no choice but to live “our” life. This is our life! All of it! Just this life! Now choose to live it!
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Adam Fogel
www.mindfuljudaism.com